Never Gained 🦋
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I never gained anything * * *
by participating in the rat race in *
our highly modern society. I merely
lost what was left of me; shattered in
pieces, trying to have it all, do it all *
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and be it all. I did everything *
* in my power to strive for *
* * perfection and its * *
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shiny trophy
simultaneously.
And boy I executed,
* I ran the marathon, I
scored one trophee after
another & I ran as fast as
I possibly could. Walking
was a pace I was very *
unfamiliar with. * *
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I beat the crap out of my peers. I reveled. *
But I was in no state of coming close to being
happy. Not one single time. Instead I, slowly but
slowly learned that achievement is superior to our
well-being. With this being said, I lost my orientation,
meaning and cause in life. All I ever did was chase the
forgotten days where inglorious bastards sucked the soul
out of my delicate human body. They suck the souls out of
our bodies and beings in this impure society. I was more * *
or less a highly relevant brick in the rat race, a rat, a race that
was only meant to fail, (or to prevail even), to see the worth
of me, my potential to grow and capacity to heal & forgive.
However, I was fortunate enough to stop and decide whether * *
I should live or die. It all came down to primal instincts & a sense
of survival mode. I was in a devastating downward spiral with
two options at hand; to either sink or swim.I decided, there *
and then, to swim. In other words, I chose life & life chose me.
It came in handy. The result was flabbergasting, in which
I, more or less, stopped competing in the, to me, ratherÂ
silly & vain game called outstanding Curriculum *
Vitae and other vain, mortal, buried *
& bruised businesses. * * * *
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Nonetheless,
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I still to this day, am not sure whether I am viewed as a winnerÂ
or loser because of this (my!) significant and rather drastic exit
from the rat race. I guess that it all depends on who you ask
and at what stage that person is in life. In the eyes of a
constantly well-oiled-society, check lists, expectations &
demands on sheer perfection in every field possible and, above
all, simultaneously; (work place, private life, hobbies, activities,
communities, being the good girl in it all); I am most definitely
not up to speed. This very fact & notion gives me a rather
disadvantage, sad to say & sad to admit. Not to mention the fake
eyelashes, fake lips, fake booty, fake nails we seem to tend to
rather than tending to our senses. Here is where I fail
tremendously. Hugely devastating since I am unable to walk
properly in high heels or wear red lipstick without getting it all
smothered all over my face, teeth or the fancy clothes I
wear to hide all my insecurities.
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But in the eye of the
wellbeing & such, I know for a
fact that I have gained. I have gained
momentum. I have gained in strength. I *
have retaken the power of my own life. How I
should live it. With whom I should live. Whereever
I should live. However, I should live it. And I, finally,
* * * know who I am. Why I am. What I am. * * *
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Where I am. I am in the *
* stage of re-discovering my joys. *
My pleasures. My needs. My mood swings.
* My favorite colors. My vulnerabilities. My *
fears. My seasons. My tides. My waves. My
dries. My highs. My lows. My virtuosos.
* * * My addictive tendencies. * * *
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* * * * * * And everything else that has to * * * * *
to with the human BEINGÂ * * & not the human DOING.
Please do note the difference. * That is being real, being authentic,Â
being true to my core values, spending time, dwelling on things that
make me happy & content. To do whatever it is that makes my
heart skip a beat or two my & my soul dance in the moonligth
never wanting the silent music in a deaf society to slowly
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evaporate.
This includes anyone or everyone who is not willing to listen *
* carefully enough to the beat of its own melody. To their own
heart melody. My inner
* child keeps appearing and wants more than ever to come out
and play with me and my creative self. She wants to play all day
long. Every single day. And all these rediscovering counts for
something, at least, to me anyway. And I have to tell you *
about all these treasures I stumbled upon whilst slowly
but determined leaving the rat race. This time for
good. For. Good. With the desire of human–
* * kind to do exactly the same. * *
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* Now you tell me, if I am the winner or the loser. *
You tell me. You tell me again & again & I shall listen
intently to what you have to say. Maybe, we can sit downÂ
by the porch where you and I used to sit side by side when *
* we were kids, constantly looking at each other, grinningÂ
with lost teeth and all. With a wide gap in the mouth for *
the other teeth soon to be visible. And we will sit there
again, by the porch, and talk about all the times we
* shared our dreams and put them carefully andÂ
tenderly in a drawer made of wood with the
most gorgeous imprints. Imprints that *
* last several lifetimes to come. And,
* hopefully and dutifully, we *
conquered the world with our
* dreams, visions &Â *
ambitions *
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* with all our *
strengths and all that
* we could muster and *
master. And when we take *
our last breath here on Mother
* * Earth, sighing gracefully and
giving thanks to what life brought
us and what we brought to life as
opposed to waging a war with the
world where vanity got lost in its
hurry & scurry to win the biggest
trophée yet building castles with
* fences, defenses to serve *
* wretched souls serving *
toxicity for breakfast,
* * supper and *
* * dinner. *
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GONG Jae Ok 