* * * * * * * * * * * * *
So it seems that there *
was nothing wrong with
* my creative outlet. It was
just that I kept emptying my *
soul to the bare brink of despair
& starvation. There has always *
been a steady stream of creativity.
However, I had absolutely no idea
how to fill and nurture it until the
brink of
* overflow. This is where the error
was. It is just that I drained it with
nonsense such as worldly worries,
toxicity and such. I was merely
trying to catch up in a rat race
that wasn’t even my race to *
begin with. I was far ahead
but kept lingering back to
* my old versions, untold
stories & buried truths.
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * * * * *
* * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * *
All I ever mastered
and mustered was to *
hide in the shadows for
* so long that it became
the backbone of my *
* being & doing. *
* * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Now the coin has flipped in
which I finally & most luckily
got out of this vicious circle in–
stead of chasing the tail all along *
& all day long. And with that nonsense
filling my head up with everything that
* I was not, everything that I didn’t have,
everything that couldn’t become, everything *
that wasn’t for me. Nothing in my cards, every–
thingness to nothingness instead of finding out
* what was really in my cards. What made my *
* * heart not only to burn with an ache but * *
* * * * with a flame and ever so as an * * * *
* * * * * inflammable fire. * * * * *
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
* When I actually did learn *
what was in my cards, it made my
heart skip a beat or two resulting in
fully & juicifully inhabiting my body,
expanding my psyche, extending *
* horizons, coining new terms *
& inventing new worlds. *
* * * * * *
And to the mere fact that nothing
in this world in my life up until now,
has come so naturally and effortlessly as
they do now. I have never ever experienced
this kind of creative outlet, such creative over–
flow. In abundance. To my greatest surprise and *
my chance to rise, have resulted in me ending up in
* perfect alignment with the core of who I am. And if
I ever were to be lost once again, all I have to do is to *
close my eyes and tune in to divinity. They are all there
* to give me if not for answers but for clues. They are
the key 🔑 holders in which I am eternally inter– *
twined with the spiritual world & wonders.
* * * * * * * * *
* And I humbly confess *
* that I have experienced every *
* nuance of all sorts of feeling there *
* are to experience in this world. My body
has been given the opportunity to witness human
encounters presumably throughout several life–
* times. I could never have phantom the *
* reason behind this realisation. *
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
So, it seems that there was nothing wrong with
my creative outlet. It was just that I didn’t have the
right tools to handle it all with or the right persons to
rely on helping me explain what was really going on with
me. I had given up all hope for any kind of sustainable or *
* creative writing lifestyle. I thought that I was done with it *
once and for all. I thought that my time, my chances had gone
out the window and never to return. I literally told myself that
I was way too old and that it was way too late for someone like
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * me to * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
about such a creative endeavour. I had surrendered to the *
* notion that the best was behind me. That my time *
to flourish, revel & conquer the world was up.
* * * * * * * * *
* * * * * * *
* * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
* And I buried all these misguided *
thoughts and perception of the remaining *
years of my life in the shadows. And the ones
that kept lingering, I hid very well in the closet.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
I didn’t like it and my heart ached for something more
left an open wound to a world display. My soul craved *
something real. I starved my body by giving in and caving
* in to every single word of my greedy and needy ego kept
telling me. And it still aches only thinking about it. My *
senses never consisted of shallowness. On the contrary,
it made me feel even more unworthy because it was so *
* far away from who I am. Real. Honest. Truthful. *
* Beautiful. Ugly in all my imperfect beauty. *
* * * * * * * * * *
* * * * A simple girl with simple. * * *
* * * * Fanciless. Merciless. * * * *
* * * * * * *
* * * * * *
* * * * *
* * * *
But now I feel more and
more alive for every day that goes
by and less and less devoted to what I
am actually doing right now. I am more *
* and more in tune with myself as a human
being than I have ever been. I understand
myself better. I understand myself in this *
world even better. I understand why I am
* here. I understand who I am and why I
* am. I can relate to other human *
* beings in a better manner. *
* * * * *
* I have finally figured *
out what to do in this lifetime. *
* I have figured out what motivates
me. What drains me. What weighs me *
down. I have figured out not only who I
* am but where I am coming from. I have *
figured out my place in this world. I have
figured tremendously many things out *
* that for a long long time, to me, *
* were unfiguroutable. *
I am and forever will be a
* well of infinite creativity just like
we all are. You, me, them, us, we. We
all belong to a well of infinite creativity.
My given gift in this world is to open up
that well in myself, as well, in other most
beautiful female peers that I stumble *
* upon merely showing up, shoring up,
anchoring each other’s abilities and *
disabilities. Because what society teaches
us is that we are imperfections that need to
be mended and bended until it sucks the soul *
* out of everyone. However, in the spiritual world,
all these misachievements are treasure and pure gold *
* And all the epiphanies & insights have, believe it or not,
not gone to my head flying high up in the sky but rather
settled me down on Mother Earth with deep roots in
Mother Soil. And with every epiphany that comes *
* along with crumbling my fears one at the time. I
had to learn and still have to learn things anew *
* but I guess these learning abilities & learning
curves will last as long as I am breathing *
* and walking on this earth. *
* * * * * *
There are so many untruths
about me out there. It is time for *
me to smash them to the ground before
hitting the roof of my fears. But now I do it
slowly. Steadily. Brick by brick. Step by step. You
may ask me how I do it? Merely by taking one step
at a time. And then another step. And another. And
I’ll tell you this, there is no way to do it other than that.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
There is no more diving in.
There is no more striving. I no
longer have a desire to prove myself
to the world. I have nothing more to lose
* since I lost who I was decades ago. I lost the *
illusion of my successful life but I gained momentum
in finding out who I really was. It turns out that I am not
the creation of my expectations, perceptions and view. I am
the result of decades of hard work and dedication to who I
* will transform into. I am not quite there yet but I have *
* * * * * * * * * come very far these past years. * * * * * * *
*
*
* * * * * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * *
* * *
* * * * *
* * * * * *
* * * * * * * * * * * * * *
* And I am as excited as ever *
to see where I am at in another six
months, six years, sixteen years from *
* now. & by the time I am 66 years old, I
will look back in my life & be really really
content, proud and satisfied that I had the *
* courage to dive into my imperfections and
make them my strongest suit. I will have to *
look back to conquering the whole wide world.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Who knows, maybe we’ll run into each other *
* or bump into one another in town. We could,
perhaps, tell each other about our despairs and
desires. Not only that, we could tell which of
* * * * * our * * * *
dreams that we decided to act upon and
which dreams to leave for another
lifetime than this?
GONG Jae Ok 